Having Trust in yourself is one of the hardest but most important challenges anyone experiences in life. Without that fundamental trust in yourself, how can you learn to trust another or, know your self-worth or even know where you’re going in life.
For most of my life, I have been crippled by an overbearing shyness. I am still rather shy now, but I have come a long way. At school, I had a few “friends” but I didn’t really feel like I could be myself around them, of course, teenagers go through Identity crises and what not but it also didn’t help that I simultaneously suffered from depression. The concoction of out of balance hormones and emotions really tested me, I hated the way I looked, I thought for many years that I was the ugliest girl in the world and that I was undeserving of love etc. Of course, this was all utter rubbish that my mind was feeding me but I believed it for many many years. It’s strange how your thoughts can trap you quite easily, it feels like because it’s your voice in your head that it must be the truth…
Slowly over many years I found myself balancing out, yes some days are always going to be darker and tougher than others but when you get the point of equilibrium it really is an achievement. For me, that was 2 years ago. After 7 years of feeling lost, I could finally look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I was okay, that life is a gift and that it really does get better. To get to this point took a long time and while I regret that I lost 7 years of my life to feeling miserable and out of place in the world, I have come out the other side stronger and more determined to forge a life I want to lead. Funnily enough one of the things that helped me gain perspective in my life was this very blog, it was in finding a routine to create content that gave me a focus. I also listened (and still do) to Zen Buddhism podcasts, they helped me ground my mind and focus on the here and now which is such an important thing to master if you want to become positive and content with your life.
So what does my life look like now? 2 years after hitting my equilibrium moment I have started a degree in English Literature and French, this little Blog will turn 3 years old this year, we have a youtube channel, I’ve started yoga again and I’ve rekindled my love for reading. While some things have changed, some things haven’t, I’m yet to have a relationship, I haven’t moved out into my own home and I am not pursuing my passions as a career yet. But while I sometimes worry that my life is unfolding far too fast, I have hope that if I work hard and trust in myself and my journey then things will fall into place.